Ho, ho, ho. Santa Danny here with a sack full of goodies just for the Cleveland Browns! With the team being so terrible this year, the Bulletin elves have been quite busy coming up with gifts for some of members of the team. Lets have a look see:
- Phil Savage: Thesaurus
For those certain times when a different word might be the wiser choice.
- Romeo Crennel: Stack of boxes
Sorry big guy. You seem nice enough and have five Super Bowl rings. It's just not working.
- Randy Lerner: Tickets in the Dawg Pound
Just to show the fans you're not like the namesake of A Weekend at Bernies.
- Kellen Winslow: One of those BFF heart necklaces
Give the other half to Phil Savage. Maybe that will get you the new contract.
- Braylon Edwards: New gloves, super glue
What, too easy? But it seems to be the most popular gift from fans!
- Donte Stallworth: Name change
That nickname "Stallworthless" is beginning to stick like a licked candy cane in the carpet.
- Ryan Tucker: Michael Jackson's hyperbaric chamber
Hopefully this will keep you playing. Without you, the offensive line has no heart.
- Kamerion Wimbley: A case of 5-hour Energy
Edwards probably has crates of this stuff. Chug some and maybe you'll be as quick as you were as a rookie.
- Brady Quinn: Head gear
Be safe for those times when teammates (allegedly) punch you in the face.
- Joshua Cribbs: Game tapes of Hines Ward
Want to get paid like a top-of-the-league player? Watch Ward de-cleat linebackers and catch the toughest of passes. Nothing says holiday cheer like breaking an opponent's jaw. Isn't that right, Keith Rivers of the Cincinnati Bengals? Ho ho ho!
- Ken Dorsey: Browns business clothes
College was fun, but it's time to just be a coach.
- Andra Davis: Scrapbook
Thanks for the memories. You had a few really good years on really bad teams, but it's time to go.
- D'Qwell Jackson: Jacuzzi
You'll probably lead the NFL in tackles this season. This will be quite soothing for your aching bones!
- Shaun Rogers: Three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree all deep fried
Just keep eating, or doing whatever you're doing, because it's working. Oh look, some extra-fattening egg nog. Yum!
- Corey Williams: A coach who runs the 4-3 and not the 3-4
Clearly this would help. Seven sacks in 2007. Zero in 2008. Please just let it be the scheme, or it'll be on the naughty list for you next year!
- Phil Dawson: Golden spikes
No matter the size, they'd be fitting.
- Eric Wright and Brandon McDonald: Time machine
Go to the future and send back the versions of you three years from now and not the underperforming sophomore players of 2008.
- Alex Hall: Spotlight
Strap this sucker to your back so whoever is the coach can see you making plays. Anything to get on the field. You'll glow like Rudolph!
What's that I see? Why, it's a gift for you and for me!
(more…)